Bereaved siblings: navigating family relationships A nationwide organisation of bereaved parents and their families offering support after a child dies.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends The family structure has changed “People kept asking me, ‘How are your parents?’ I know my parents are grieving, but I wish our family friends would recognise that I am too.” With the death of our sibling, the dynamic of the family has changed. Our place in the family may have been defined by our position as the eldest, youngest, or middle child, or by our similarities or differences from our sibling(s). Now, we might have become an only child overnight. Or perhaps we are now the eldest child, and feel the weight of new responsibilities, such as looking out for our younger siblings or supporting our parents. Bereaved siblings: navigating family relationships We have been bereaved. This person who died – our sibling – is loved by many, and we are all coping with our grief. Yet a family is made up of various individuals, and each of us may be impacted differently. Many families draw closer after a loss like ours, but sometimes there are disagreements and conflict. Sometimes the relationship between bereaved siblings and their parents can become fraught. This leaflet is written by bereaved siblings. We offer thoughts and suggestions based on our own experiences. We hope they will help as you navigate this painful time. Note: This leaflet is written for adults bereaved of their siblings. Of course, experiences may differ depending on our age. If we are in our 20s or 30s, our experiences of loss could be quite different than if we are in our 50s or 60s. But we are all siblings, and there are many common features. Please also see other leaflets by The Compassionate Friends (TCF) written for bereaved siblings: A sibling’s grief and When our sibling has died by suicide. For a complete list of leaflets, please visit tcf.org.uk/siblingleaflets.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk If our sibling had children, we may feel some responsibility towards them. This may be particularly the case if they had no partner. If they had a partner, maintaining a relationship with our sibling’s children may depend somewhat on them. In the immediate aftermath of our sibling’s death, arrangements will have been made for their funeral and other matters. If our sibling was married or had a civil partner, their partner will have been responsible for these arrangements. If our parent was our sibling’s legal next of kin, then arrangements will have been up to them. Either way, we may or may not have been included in plans that were made. Siblings are sometimes the “forgotten mourners”, and our opinions may not have been taken into account. We may have been quite content with how things were organised, but we may have had misgivings or objections. For instance, there could have been religious elements in the ceremony that we do not think our sibling would have wanted. In some ways, we might feel we knew our sibling better than almost anyone else, and that we must protect them, even in death. This is just one example. Overall, it is not unusual for siblings to feel sidelined, with the main focus being on the grief of our parents or our sibling’s partner and children. It will take time to adjust to the new realities of life without our sibling. Different ways of grieving “When my brother died suddenly, my mother’s primary reaction was anger at being abandoned. He had been the one who was closest to her. It was sad to see her extreme emotions, but I also felt devalued because of how she seemed to barely notice that I was still here.” It is widely recognised that there are many differences in how people grieve. These may be connected to gender, culture, generation, previous experiences of grief, or individual differences in personality. Throughout our lives we have absorbed messages from our family, community and society as a whole about what “healthy” grief looks like, but in reality, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Our parents or other siblings may grieve very differently from us. • Their reactions may seem out of character • They might express more or less emotion than we are comfortable with
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends • They may behave in ways that seem unhealthy or even unacceptable to us • We may be concerned for their well-being if they appear overwhelmed by their grief • Alternatively, we may worry that they are holding everything inside with a “stiff upper lip” • We may not be comfortable with how they are turning towards or away from religion for comfort. This also happens the other way around. Family members may have certain expectations of the way they think we should be grieving. If it is very different to how they are expressing their grief, they may become upset and misunderstand us. They may criticise us for expressing our emotions outwardly, or conversely, for not expressing our feelings or talking about our sibling “enough”. Our relationship with our parents The tragedy of the death of our sibling – their child – may draw us closer to our parents. We may find great comfort in each other’s company, but this is not always the case. Sometimes tensions or difficulties arise. Being bereaved of their child is one of the most painful experiences a parent can endure. Our parents, overwhelmed by their grief, may be unable to offer us the support we need. This can feel like a double loss. Not only has our sibling died, but we have also lost the version of our parents that we once knew. In this situation, there is often no choice but to give our parents the space they need. If necessary, we will need look for support for ourselves elsewhere. Other family members, friends, online groups, or a bereavement counsellor may be a help. Our GP, or the websites of charities like The Compassionate Friends or Cruse Bereavement Support, are good starting points for help and advice. Some parents become over-cautious or protective of their other children, fearful of some other tragedy occurring. This can feel irritating or stifling. Agreeing a plan which will reassure them without putting too much pressure on us may help. For instance, a text when we get home after a night out or a trip away, or letting them know when we will not be contactable, could help set their minds at ease. “Occasionally I don’t tell my parents about my plans until afterwards, because I just need a bit of a break from remembering to send regular updates. What is frustrating is that they travel frequently, but don’t always send a text to let me know they’ve arrived safely.”
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk As their surviving child/ren, we may also need to guard against becoming overprotective of our parents. For instance, we may hesitate to let them know about difficult life events such as a job loss or relationship breakdown to prevent causing them further worry, but this may have the undesired consequence of creating a distance between us. We will also need to keep evaluating how much help we can and should offer our parents. This is particularly the case if our parent is living alone. Our help may be needed and appreciated, but we may also need to be careful not to intrude too much on their lives or decision-making. This type of role reversal does seem to happen sometimes, especially with elderly parents. Generational and other differences “My mother gets a lot of solace from her faith, but to keep hearing her say that our sister is ‘safe and happy at home in heaven’ makes me feel that I can’t be real with her about the depth of my grief. It’s like she’s dismissing the pain.” When a child has died through suicide or following controversial lifestyle choices, such as drug or alcohol use, some parents will avoid revealing the facts of what happened. They may not want the circumstances to be discussed openly such as within the wider family or amongst friends, and certainly not on places like social media. As siblings, we may tend more towards openness than our parents. We may feel it is pointless and unhelpful to hide the reality of what has happened. This can be a cause of disagreement within the family. Other differences may arise from our varying memories and experiences of our sibling. Each member of the family will have had a unique relationship with them – for example, we might know things about our sibling’s life and activities that our parents remain unaware of. Whilst the sharing of memories can be comforting, differing memories or interpretations of past events can cause tension and distress. Sometimes after a person dies, they are spoken about as though they never had any faults or made any mistakes. If family members place our sibling on such a pedestal, we may feel pressure to live up to extremely high – and unrealistic – standards. When things then go wrong in our own lives, such as losing a job, a relationship break-up, or poor decisions, we may find it hard to deal with. We may fear that we are causing our parents too much extra pain. It could take some time before the pressure of expectations diminishes.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends When a dreadful thing happens – such as the death of our sibling – we struggle to make sense of it. This can lead us to blaming ourselves, or we could possibly find ourselves wondering if one or both of our parents were partly responsible for what happened. This train of thought can be very troubling, and can make us more isolated and withdrawn. It can help to talk this over with someone we trust; they will probably be grateful for a chance to help us. Managing our differences Whilst each family member is navigating their way through this huge loss, it usually works out best if we can keep the lines of communication open, but this will not always be possible. Everyone will be in pain and unfortunately this sometimes shows itself as impatience or anger. Tragedies within families can bring people closer together, but if our family relationships were already strained, grief might cause us to drift further apart. We might find that some family members, including other siblings, are unable or unwilling to engage with us at this time. It is worth bearing in mind that some people want and need to be alone when they are in great pain, as a way to “nurse” their emotional wounds. They are looking after themselves rather than rejecting others, but their separation can still be an additional hurt. This may also apply to ourselves. Everyone makes their own choices, and there is a balance to be found between supporting each other and our own self-preservation. Celebrating memories and managing special occasions “I had a small photo of my brother in my pocket at my graduation. He had encouraged me to go to university before he died, and I knew he would have proudly attended my graduation. It made me feel like he was with me on the day.” As time passes, we will face a variety of significant dates and special occasions, such as the first anniversary of our sibling’s death, the first Christmas spent without them, our own birthday, or perhaps a family wedding. What would have been happy events may now feel bittersweet, or even like hurdles to be overcome. There is no right or wrong way to mark these occasions. As time goes on, we might find ways to recognise and include our sibling in family events – for example, by
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk raising a toast at a special meal, or serving a dish they enjoyed. Keeping their memory alive in this way can feel comforting and is important to us. Nevertheless, special events can also bring differences of opinion between family members. For instance, some parents may not realise that although we want our sibling to be acknowledged, it’s important to allow some events to be celebratory, and primarily focused on other members of the family, including ourselves. Hopefully, with open discussion, we can come up with compromise solutions and plans that everyone is reasonably happy with. Looking to the future “I hadn’t anticipated the grief of not getting to be an auntie.” Following our sibling’s death, our expectations for the future may have been altered. We might face the prospect of supporting sick or ageing family members without our sibling’s help. Major life events, such as getting married or having children, will now take place without our sibling’s presence and support. Their death may mean that our parents will not become grandparents. Alternatively, our parents may struggle with the fact of having grandchildren, but not from the child who has died. There is a human tendency to dwell on a version of the future that would have been better – perhaps making assumptions about the things our sibling would have done had they lived. The future we are facing up to is very different from the one we had imagined or wanted. But this doesn’t mean that it cannot include happy moments and meaningful experiences, love and fulfilment, alongside the pain of missing our sibling. We will carry the memory of our sibling with us forever. Finding ways to walk alongside our family members as we all grieve – even if at times we see things differently – can help give us the strength to carry on. Details of support for siblings (18 years or over) from The Compassionate Friends can be found here: tcf.org.uk/siblings
Founder: The Revd Canon Dr Simon Stephens OBE President: The Countess Mountbatten of Burma Company No 04029535, Charity No 1082335 | Registered in England and Wales. ©2024 The Compassionate Friends (UK). 2024/10 This leaflet is dedicated to my daughter, Jen. Thank you for all the help and support you offer other bereaved siblings through TCF. Dan and I are so very proud of you. Love mum. General enquiries 0345 120 3785 info@tcf.org.uk TCF library 0345 120 3785 library@tcf.org.uk Call our National Helpline 0345 123 2304 The helpline is open from 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 11pm every day. Calls are always answered by a parent whose child has died. Email our National Helpline helpline@tcf.org.uk For more information and support visit tcf.org.uk Find us on social media @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk
Bereaved siblings: navigating family relationships A nationwide organisation of bereaved parents and their families offering support after a child dies.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends The family structure has changed “People kept asking me, ‘How are your parents?’ I know my parents are grieving, but I wish our family friends would recognise that I am too.” With the death of our sibling, the dynamic of the family has changed. Our place in the family may have been defined by our position as the eldest, youngest, or middle child, or by our similarities or differences from our sibling(s). Now, we might have become an only child overnight. Or perhaps we are now the eldest child, and feel the weight of new responsibilities, such as looking out for our younger siblings or supporting our parents. Bereaved siblings: navigating family relationships We have been bereaved. This person who died – our sibling – is loved by many, and we are all coping with our grief. Yet a family is made up of various individuals, and each of us may be impacted differently. Many families draw closer after a loss like ours, but sometimes there are disagreements and conflict. Sometimes the relationship between bereaved siblings and their parents can become fraught. This leaflet is written by bereaved siblings. We offer thoughts and suggestions based on our own experiences. We hope they will help as you navigate this painful time. Note: This leaflet is written for adults bereaved of their siblings. Of course, experiences may differ depending on our age. If we are in our 20s or 30s, our experiences of loss could be quite different than if we are in our 50s or 60s. But we are all siblings, and there are many common features. Please also see other leaflets by The Compassionate Friends (TCF) written for bereaved siblings: A sibling’s grief and When our sibling has died by suicide. For a complete list of leaflets, please visit tcf.org.uk/siblingleaflets.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk If our sibling had children, we may feel some responsibility towards them. This may be particularly the case if they had no partner. If they had a partner, maintaining a relationship with our sibling’s children may depend somewhat on them. In the immediate aftermath of our sibling’s death, arrangements will have been made for their funeral and other matters. If our sibling was married or had a civil partner, their partner will have been responsible for these arrangements. If our parent was our sibling’s legal next of kin, then arrangements will have been up to them. Either way, we may or may not have been included in plans that were made. Siblings are sometimes the “forgotten mourners”, and our opinions may not have been taken into account. We may have been quite content with how things were organised, but we may have had misgivings or objections. For instance, there could have been religious elements in the ceremony that we do not think our sibling would have wanted. In some ways, we might feel we knew our sibling better than almost anyone else, and that we must protect them, even in death. This is just one example. Overall, it is not unusual for siblings to feel sidelined, with the main focus being on the grief of our parents or our sibling’s partner and children. It will take time to adjust to the new realities of life without our sibling. Different ways of grieving “When my brother died suddenly, my mother’s primary reaction was anger at being abandoned. He had been the one who was closest to her. It was sad to see her extreme emotions, but I also felt devalued because of how she seemed to barely notice that I was still here.” It is widely recognised that there are many differences in how people grieve. These may be connected to gender, culture, generation, previous experiences of grief, or individual differences in personality. Throughout our lives we have absorbed messages from our family, community and society as a whole about what “healthy” grief looks like, but in reality, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Our parents or other siblings may grieve very differently from us. • Their reactions may seem out of character • They might express more or less emotion than we are comfortable with
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends • They may behave in ways that seem unhealthy or even unacceptable to us • We may be concerned for their well-being if they appear overwhelmed by their grief • Alternatively, we may worry that they are holding everything inside with a “stiff upper lip” • We may not be comfortable with how they are turning towards or away from religion for comfort. This also happens the other way around. Family members may have certain expectations of the way they think we should be grieving. If it is very different to how they are expressing their grief, they may become upset and misunderstand us. They may criticise us for expressing our emotions outwardly, or conversely, for not expressing our feelings or talking about our sibling “enough”. Our relationship with our parents The tragedy of the death of our sibling – their child – may draw us closer to our parents. We may find great comfort in each other’s company, but this is not always the case. Sometimes tensions or difficulties arise. Being bereaved of their child is one of the most painful experiences a parent can endure. Our parents, overwhelmed by their grief, may be unable to offer us the support we need. This can feel like a double loss. Not only has our sibling died, but we have also lost the version of our parents that we once knew. In this situation, there is often no choice but to give our parents the space they need. If necessary, we will need look for support for ourselves elsewhere. Other family members, friends, online groups, or a bereavement counsellor may be a help. Our GP, or the websites of charities like The Compassionate Friends or Cruse Bereavement Support, are good starting points for help and advice. Some parents become over-cautious or protective of their other children, fearful of some other tragedy occurring. This can feel irritating or stifling. Agreeing a plan which will reassure them without putting too much pressure on us may help. For instance, a text when we get home after a night out or a trip away, or letting them know when we will not be contactable, could help set their minds at ease. “Occasionally I don’t tell my parents about my plans until afterwards, because I just need a bit of a break from remembering to send regular updates. What is frustrating is that they travel frequently, but don’t always send a text to let me know they’ve arrived safely.”
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk As their surviving child/ren, we may also need to guard against becoming overprotective of our parents. For instance, we may hesitate to let them know about difficult life events such as a job loss or relationship breakdown to prevent causing them further worry, but this may have the undesired consequence of creating a distance between us. We will also need to keep evaluating how much help we can and should offer our parents. This is particularly the case if our parent is living alone. Our help may be needed and appreciated, but we may also need to be careful not to intrude too much on their lives or decision-making. This type of role reversal does seem to happen sometimes, especially with elderly parents. Generational and other differences “My mother gets a lot of solace from her faith, but to keep hearing her say that our sister is ‘safe and happy at home in heaven’ makes me feel that I can’t be real with her about the depth of my grief. It’s like she’s dismissing the pain.” When a child has died through suicide or following controversial lifestyle choices, such as drug or alcohol use, some parents will avoid revealing the facts of what happened. They may not want the circumstances to be discussed openly such as within the wider family or amongst friends, and certainly not on places like social media. As siblings, we may tend more towards openness than our parents. We may feel it is pointless and unhelpful to hide the reality of what has happened. This can be a cause of disagreement within the family. Other differences may arise from our varying memories and experiences of our sibling. Each member of the family will have had a unique relationship with them – for example, we might know things about our sibling’s life and activities that our parents remain unaware of. Whilst the sharing of memories can be comforting, differing memories or interpretations of past events can cause tension and distress. Sometimes after a person dies, they are spoken about as though they never had any faults or made any mistakes. If family members place our sibling on such a pedestal, we may feel pressure to live up to extremely high – and unrealistic – standards. When things then go wrong in our own lives, such as losing a job, a relationship break-up, or poor decisions, we may find it hard to deal with. We may fear that we are causing our parents too much extra pain. It could take some time before the pressure of expectations diminishes.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends When a dreadful thing happens – such as the death of our sibling – we struggle to make sense of it. This can lead us to blaming ourselves, or we could possibly find ourselves wondering if one or both of our parents were partly responsible for what happened. This train of thought can be very troubling, and can make us more isolated and withdrawn. It can help to talk this over with someone we trust; they will probably be grateful for a chance to help us. Managing our differences Whilst each family member is navigating their way through this huge loss, it usually works out best if we can keep the lines of communication open, but this will not always be possible. Everyone will be in pain and unfortunately this sometimes shows itself as impatience or anger. Tragedies within families can bring people closer together, but if our family relationships were already strained, grief might cause us to drift further apart. We might find that some family members, including other siblings, are unable or unwilling to engage with us at this time. It is worth bearing in mind that some people want and need to be alone when they are in great pain, as a way to “nurse” their emotional wounds. They are looking after themselves rather than rejecting others, but their separation can still be an additional hurt. This may also apply to ourselves. Everyone makes their own choices, and there is a balance to be found between supporting each other and our own self-preservation. Celebrating memories and managing special occasions “I had a small photo of my brother in my pocket at my graduation. He had encouraged me to go to university before he died, and I knew he would have proudly attended my graduation. It made me feel like he was with me on the day.” As time passes, we will face a variety of significant dates and special occasions, such as the first anniversary of our sibling’s death, the first Christmas spent without them, our own birthday, or perhaps a family wedding. What would have been happy events may now feel bittersweet, or even like hurdles to be overcome. There is no right or wrong way to mark these occasions. As time goes on, we might find ways to recognise and include our sibling in family events – for example, by
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk raising a toast at a special meal, or serving a dish they enjoyed. Keeping their memory alive in this way can feel comforting and is important to us. Nevertheless, special events can also bring differences of opinion between family members. For instance, some parents may not realise that although we want our sibling to be acknowledged, it’s important to allow some events to be celebratory, and primarily focused on other members of the family, including ourselves. Hopefully, with open discussion, we can come up with compromise solutions and plans that everyone is reasonably happy with. Looking to the future “I hadn’t anticipated the grief of not getting to be an auntie.” Following our sibling’s death, our expectations for the future may have been altered. We might face the prospect of supporting sick or ageing family members without our sibling’s help. Major life events, such as getting married or having children, will now take place without our sibling’s presence and support. Their death may mean that our parents will not become grandparents. Alternatively, our parents may struggle with the fact of having grandchildren, but not from the child who has died. There is a human tendency to dwell on a version of the future that would have been better – perhaps making assumptions about the things our sibling would have done had they lived. The future we are facing up to is very different from the one we had imagined or wanted. But this doesn’t mean that it cannot include happy moments and meaningful experiences, love and fulfilment, alongside the pain of missing our sibling. We will carry the memory of our sibling with us forever. Finding ways to walk alongside our family members as we all grieve – even if at times we see things differently – can help give us the strength to carry on. Details of support for siblings (18 years or over) from The Compassionate Friends can be found here: tcf.org.uk/siblings
Founder: The Revd Canon Dr Simon Stephens OBE President: The Countess Mountbatten of Burma Company No 04029535, Charity No 1082335 | Registered in England and Wales. ©2024 The Compassionate Friends (UK). 2024/10 This leaflet is dedicated to my daughter, Jen. Thank you for all the help and support you offer other bereaved siblings through TCF. Dan and I are so very proud of you. Love mum. General enquiries 0345 120 3785 info@tcf.org.uk TCF library 0345 120 3785 library@tcf.org.uk Call our National Helpline 0345 123 2304 The helpline is open from 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 11pm every day. Calls are always answered by a parent whose child has died. Email our National Helpline helpline@tcf.org.uk For more information and support visit tcf.org.uk Find us on social media @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk
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